Borderline

i wonder if she didn’t
because of the stigma.

i wonder if she didn’t
because she didn’t
know.

where is the line?

impulse control
is a stranger to me.
i’m driven by a need
to be validated,
to belong.

driven by a dream
of imagined demigods,
humans on a pedestal,
that i want to share.

but really they’re just humans
whom i admire, maybe too strongly,
maybe too obsessively,
until my paranoia
and shame
devalue
them.

i build them back up
as i tear myself down.

i used to think about my karass
to justify my emotional ties.

i used to think about the we of me,
seeking to fill a hole.
maybe i need to learn that all of me
is already whole.

maybe i need to learn
that i, too, am human,
and need not be
a god.

maybe i need to learn
to value myself
first.

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