ON THE DAY BEFORE
the five year anniversary
of my imprisonment
must you remind me
of my eating disorder?
because you wanna know
what a motherfucking “rough year” was?
starving and restricting and starving and
restricting and cutting and running
running running running on empty.
and a high so high while i
simultaneously wanted to die
led to a fall from cloud nine
into the deepest hole…
into the back of a police car
into the back
and onto a weirdly wide chair
that i cowered and shrank and bled on
until i gamed my way out
to go home
only to be kicked out
when it got too damn hard
for them.
for them!
i slept on someone else’s couch
i slept in someone else’s bed
probably because
they pitied me.
and i sat in a chair
every damn day
in a professor’s office
probably because
he pitied me too.
and i left a chair
in a therapist’s office
which forced me out
of a chair
in a nutritionist’s office
because she thought i’d believe her
when she said i had no choice.
but goddammit i took the choice
that smashed her undeserved pride
and i clawed my way
to the future
i live today.
