I Live Today

ON THE DAY BEFORE
the five year anniversary
of my imprisonment
must you remind me
of my eating disorder?

because you wanna know
what a motherfucking “rough year” was?
starving and restricting and starving and
restricting and cutting and running
running running running
on empty.

and a high so high while i
simultaneously wanted to die
led to a fall from cloud nine
into the deepest hole…

into the back of a police car
into the back

and onto a weirdly wide chair
that i cowered and shrank and bled on
until i gamed my way out

to go home
only to be kicked out
when it got too damn hard
for them.

for them!

i slept on someone else’s couch
i slept in someone else’s bed
probably because
they pitied me.

and i sat in a chair
every damn day
in a professor’s office
probably because
he pitied me too.

and i left a chair
in a therapist’s office
which forced me out
of a chair
in a nutritionist’s office
because she thought i’d believe her
when she said i had no choice.

but goddammit i took the choice
that smashed her undeserved pride
and i clawed my way
to the future
i live today.

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