Maybe Now

Written December 21, 2010

Trying to come to terms now.
At least seven years of feeling—
but not understanding—
and finally someone else
saw the ghosts haunting me.

Had not been my intention
to diagnose the hell in my head;
just wanted a name
to the fever and pain
keeling me over.
Didn’t realize
the consequences
to my responses
were immediate,
yet I downplayed everything.

Said I have fifteen minutes anyway,
while they identify the streptococci—
so go, go, and talk to someone.

No choice, really.

Better than the first step:
so many whats and not so many whys.

And finally, I was given a name
that I had known for a long time now.

Still hard for me to say—
a sort of Voldemort attached to me—
but maybe now,
maybe now I’ve got
the ammunition to win.

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